This is the transcription of the testimony I made during the Feast last February 2, 2019. It took me almost four years to have the courage to speak about my broken marriage. I was not able to share my story because I was ashamed. However, when requested to speak, I just cannot say “NO”. God has been gracious, kind, and patient with me for the past years and He deserves to be glorified by letting the world know how His love mends our broken hearts.
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Tonight, I will be sharing to you my love story. However, unlike any other love stories that started with all that cheesy stuff, mine began with a heartbreak.
My parents and I lived together with my father’s sister’s family. My parents were both working and so I was left under the care of my father’s sister, who treated me like her own. I had a happy childhood. I grew up having two parents – my biological parents and my Tito and my Tita. Hence, I cannot really say that I lack love nor crave attention.
I had my first serious boyfriend in 2008. I fell head over heels in love with him that I’ve set aside everything I believed in just for him, including the teachings of my faith. I’ve engaged in immoral relationship justifying that I’m doing it for love. We lived together for 5 years, was engaged for a year before finally tying the knot in 2015. To others, our love story was ideal. I was a spoiled girlfriend, fiancé, and eventually, wife. My man was kind, understanding, hardworking – every girl’s dream, I suppose. But they had no idea what happens behind closed doors. Our relationship was far from perfect. It was abusive. It was toxic. We bring out the worst in each other, but because I love him, I fought for the relationship. I stayed believing that it’s normal in every relationship and that we will just figure how to make it last. I held on to the relationship thinking it’s the kind of love I deserve. I ignored all the red flags because to me he is worth it. I believed that love will conquer all. I was wrong. Five months after the wedding, while I was here in Davao visiting my family, he sent me a text message saying that he is leaving me because he no longer loves me. I asked if there is someone else, of course he denied it. Who would admit having an affair? I was a law student and I had to stand-by with the principle “innocent until proven guilty”. I had no proof. I had to believe what he says, after all, he is my husband.
I went back to Pagadian hoping we can still fix things – hoping he would reconsider. But he didn’t. He left me for good. I watched him walk out the door – and out of my life. At that moment my world shattered into pieces and I cannot do anything but watch. I felt helpless.
Living alone meant also being left alone with my thoughts. I had a bunch of questions I was desperate to be answered. I fell into depression (I think). I kept on asking God why — why did he allow the wedding to push through only to let the marriage fall apart? Why me, why my marriage? Was I a bad person to deserve such punishment? These were just some of the questions that bugged me.
I struggled. I was lost. I was in the dark, and I was in pain – great pain. I wanted to ask my husband what I did wrong, but then again, will it make any difference? The point is: HINDI NA NYA AKO MAHAL. Every night my sole prayer is for God to take away my life – just so I will no longer feel the pain. And every morning I curse Him for making me live another day. My life was a mess. I was a mess. I was a failure. I cannot seem to get anything right. I really wanted to die, suicide was an option, but I was scared to go to hell.
Months passed and I was still in the dark. Maybe I was crying desperately for help that God finally sent me someone to give me some light. I sent Doc Bianca, a Feaster and an LOJ member, a personal message in FB hoping she can give me some tips on how to get over the break-up. I was hoping that because she is a Christian, she can help make the pain go away. She told me to pray – pray harder and to seek God. I asked her what to do during times when I want to run to my ex because I miss him and I feel alone, she told me to read the Bible and just ask God for a HUG. That night I gained a prayer warrior.
Transformation took time. Leaving everything in God’s hands is scary. I am the kind of person who likes to plan things and be in control. I was scared that if I let go, I will lose my husband completely. Months passed and trying to control things became tiring. I was losing sleep. I was also mentally and spiritually drained. I cried to God and finally admitted that I am exhausted. That night I surrendered everything to Him. I woke up the next day feeling better. I felt a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. After months of sleepless nights, I was able to get some good night rest because I knew that whatever happens my Father is in control.
I stayed in and lived alone in Pagadian for a year. I was already in the 4th year of my law school when everything happened. I just had to finish it. One year wasn’t that long but it felt like eternity. Pagadian is a small city and a number of people know my husband since he is one of the trusted personnel of one of the influential people in that place. Rumors about our relationship and about me started to spread. Basically, I was blamed for the downfall of our relationship – na dili daw ko gapanglaba ug galuto, na ungrateful daw ko na tao, na napilitan lang daw siya na magpakasal because I blackmailed him. People thought I deserve what happened to me. I believed I deserved what happened to me. I lost myself in the process of loving him, and because of that I easily got confused. Was I really ungrateful? Did I really fail to appreciate my husband? Did I really blackmail him into marrying me? If so, with what?! I refused to go out of the house for three days. I purposely missed classes because I was ashamed. When I finally had a bit of guts to go out, I made sure that I am seen by few people as much as possible. Again, I had no one to turn to but God. I pressed on with my spiritual journey. It took me a while before I mustered the courage to be honest with myself — to examine myself and handle my demons. It took both courage and humility to admit that I am not the good person as I thought I am. I realized that I did not know much about real love, that my forgiveness oftentimes was given conditionally, and I always let pride get in the way. It was painful but I finally admitted to myself that I have hurt my husband, that I somehow contributed to his brokenness. I repeatedly asked God for forgiveness until I found the courage to give my husband a call and apologize without justifying myself. Whatever my reasons were, the bottom line was: I hurt him, and I must apologize.
My relationship with God got stronger. However, being close to Him did not exempt me from His tests of faith. He subjected me to multiple breaking and pruning, and I learn different lesson each time.
I decided to stand up for my marriage despite being laughed at and despite looking tanga. Naa na daw siyai lain, tanga daw ko para muasa na mubalik pa siya. Maayo pa daw mangita pud kog lain. Dapat na sad daw ko mag-move on. Although it pains me to be called tanga, umaasa, or marupok, I knew that the best thing to do at that moment is to be still and believe that God is doing something even if I am not seeing anything. I reminded myself that I made a covenant with God that I will love my husband “till death do we part”. Hence, even it hurts to be judged, I took it all because I know that I am standing up for God – for His teachings. I had to endure everything because I believe that He will stir me to the right direction when the time is finally right.
After I graduated from law school, God tested my obedience. I already made up my mind that I will be staying in Pagadian, but God has been pushing to leave and go back to Davao. I got scared. Leaving may mean it’s totally over for us. But, when I told God I am lifting everything to Him, along with it was a promise that I would trust and obey. And so I did. I was scared but I decided to take that leap of faith and left that city for good.
Moving back to Davao was one of the best decisions I made, I saw my life falling into place. But, God wasn’t done with me yet. My faith was further tested when I took the 2017 Bar Exams. It was my first time to stay in Manila alone and for a long time. But my Father loves me so much to let me to do things on my own. He sent me people to help me get by. My sister’s boyfriend (now husband) was in Manila at that time and he helped me get settled. One of my law professors gave me a call to remind me that I am brilliant just when I am about to quit because I sucked during the first Sunday of the bar exams. One of my best friends reminded me to do my part by showing up during the exams and leave the rest to God, when I was crying and was having panic attacks. God sent my law school friends to greet us on the last Sunday of the bar just when I thought that nobody will be there for me during salubong. I witnessed Him pull off miracles in my favor.
I started attending the Feast late June 2017, but it was only in January 2018 that I decided to serve. I couldn’t be more grateful for the community and for the people. I was welcomed and I felt loved. April 26, 2018, the Bar exams results came out. Before seeing the list, I already knew I didn’t make it. How? Because while I was begging Him to make sure I passed, I already heard Him say “Sorry, my child, I have to say No this time. But I want you to trust me. I got you.” True enough, when the list was out, my name was not there. I was not surprised. But I blurted out “Seriously, Lord?!”. God knew that I can get crazy and do stupid stuff and so He sent me my barkada to comfort me, they cried with me inside San Pedro Cathedral. I also believe that He already planned that I’d be part of the Singles Ministry because they were also there to cheer me up. Aye did not give up reaching out to me. Countless missed calls and “asa ka? Maski asa pa ka adtuan ka namo!” messages. She was insistent so I caved in and decided to meet them that night. It was comforting to know that she fully understood how I felt because she too failed her board exam the first time she took it. Loi, also had similar story. Both of them didn’t give up on their dreams and so they’re now an Engineer and an architect. That night I felt loved. God’s love overflowed. Days that followed, I got messages from my family, my boss, my officemates, my bros and sisses, tito’s and tita’s from LOJ. They became Jesus to me. I continued serving in the Feast regardless of my broken heart because I knew that I need it more than ever.
Dark clouds hanged above my head for quite some time eventhough I continued serving the Lord. And so I took time to pray. It was during that time that feelings I never thought I had was brought into the open. I told God that I felt He betrayed me because He said “no” to my dream. I asked him a bunch of questions. I got angry. I told Him that He is no different from my ex. “Pinaasa ‘nya rin ako.” He knew why I badly need to pass the bar. He knew I needed to become a lawyer so finally be free from my husband because I was still financially dependent to him and I was dying to cut the ties. I need to become a lawyer so I can give to my family, not being able to help in the family’s finances makes me feel worthless. I was clueless as to how I can move forward. He, however, remained quiet.
It wasn’t long when the dark clouds above me started to disappear. Shortly after that, I came running back to my Father, crying, begging for Him to forgive me. I may not understand why He had to say NO to my dream, but I finally believed that my best interests are in His hands.
Serving in the Feast contributed greatly in my spiritual growth and in my honing to becoming a better person. Despite what I have been through I was welcomed and loved by my LOJ family, especially my Singles Min Family. They have been Jesus to me, and I was motivated to be better each day.
In my story, I never mentioned my family and it’s not because they weren’t there for me. I think they had no idea of the battles I had to face. They knew my marriage fell apart, but they didn’t have any idea as to the gravity of its effect on me because whenever asked, I always tell them I’m OK. I love my family so much to burden them with all my life’s drama. It was my barkada who made me realize that I was being selfish. They told me that if it pains them so much that I am pushing them away, then it’s even more painful for my family because I am not letting them in. They reminded me to “let people love me.”
In all that I’ve been through, I found out that God will remove people in our lives especially if they cause us to go astray. He will also place the right people in our paths. These people simply made me believe that I am worthy of loving. Slowly, God revealed to me the answers to all my questions. From all the things I’ve been through, I learned to be mindful of my intentions. My failed marriage reminded me of God’s FIRST COMMANDMENT: Thou shall not have any other God before me. I placed my marriage above God. I made myself believe that it was a God-centered relationship, but the truth was, it wasn’t. I refuse to obey Him because I would choose my marriage and my husband over His directions. Resisting God’s orders will only worsen the struggle and block the blessings that God is supposed to give. Being financially dependent on my husband thought me humility and gratefulness. God will sometimes use the people we don’t like to bless us, and we just have to be grateful. I learned to pray for those who have hurt me, wish well the people who cursed me, and forgive them even if they didn’t ask for forgiveness. My failed relationship taught me that my value as woman and a person shouldn’t be based on other people’s validation. I am created in God’s own image and thus I am amazing as He is amazing. Flunking the bar made me realize that I am already worthy of love and respect sans the A-T-T-Y before my name – that the title will not define who I am. I realized that I wanted to pass the bar for the wrong reasons. It is I, who will determine if I will finally be free from my husband and not my title. I realized that God can provide me with resources so I can give to my family despite me not yet becoming a lawyer. I learned that 85% of the things we are afraid to happen, will not actually happen, 10% happens but is less painful than we imagined it to be, and 5% occurs and will hurt but the pain in tolerable, sometimes even neglible. Training myself to be still during confusing times developed my patience.
Now, I am confident to say that I am where God wants me to be and I couldn’t thank Him enough. He was true to His word when He told me to trust Him. Moving back to Davao made me realize that the world is big and there is so much more that I can offer. He blessed me with a good job and then allowed me to move to a much greener pasture. He surrounded me with amazing people, whose stories also brought me inspiration. The love from my family, friends, work friends, and this community made me see the kind of love I deserve and that I must not settle for less. Surely, God will never let our pain go to waste – He always makes something good out of the bad. God’s love healed me.
My heartbreak paved way for me to know myself better. I learned that I am made for better things. I realized that I’m capable of loving unconditionally. I learned the kind of love I deserve. And lastly, because of my heartbreak, I finally found the ONE, the one who loves me beyond measure, and it’s no other than GOD, my Father. I am no longer afraid knowing that I am never alone. My heartbreak taught me that while I was begging for love, someone was already offering the love I deserve and He was patiently waiting for me to notice Him. I might have found my heart’s content on earthly things and people, but nothing beats the satisfaction of my heart’s restlessness in the One who loved me first, even before the world began.
I am now here before you because I am finally embracing my limp and breaking free from the stigma of my past. I will no longer allow my past to define my future. I am both God’s masterpiece and a work in progress. I will no longer allow my fear of people’s judgments to keep me from sharing God’s goodness.
I may not know what the future holds, but I am no longer afraid of what it will be. Matthew 10:29-31—“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So DO NOT BE AFRAID; you are worth more than many sparrows.”
My name is LUCKY, once lost, now found. Once broken, now mended. And once afraid, now brave.
Good evening.
Just got LUCKY 