FOURTEEN DAYS: Our CoVid-19 Story

I really believed that I will be able to get through 2021 unscathed.

But, boy, was I wrong.

Indeed, it is true that one way or another we will get infected by CoVid-19, it is just a matter of when.

And yes, the pandemic did not spare me and my family.

When CoVid-19 was declared as pandemic way back 2020, I was scared — for me and for my family. When we survived 2020 without getting infected, I felt grateful and proud.

“It feels so great to be God’s favorite eh!”

So did I feel unfavored when we got infected?

Amazingly, NO.

My/our covid story started when I got mild fever.

August 31, 2021: About 3AM, I woke up feeling a bit feverish. And yes, I was. My temperature ranged from 37.2-37.8. Alarming? No, but I asked my boss if I can work from home that day.

I tried my best to stay inside the room and only go out if I need to use the bathroom. I also made sure that I would eat alone.

My temperature went up to 38.5 afternoon of the same day and then went down.

September 1, 2021: My condition did not improve. I still have mild fever. I continued to avoid everyone at home as much as possible.

The same day my cousin felt a bit under the weather.

September 2, 2021: Fever was gone but I still felt weak. I decided to visit a doctor for check-up. I had CBC-Platelet and Urinalysis Tests plus Xray. I really thought it was some UTI because my back was also a bit painful.

The lab tests came out all normal.

My Xray, however, showed I got bilateral pneumonia.

To be honest, it freaked me out. A friend died last year due to bilateral pneumonia. It made me think:

“What if I die?”

Since it was pneumonia, of course the doctor was a bit concerned. It is valid though, since pneumonia is a known complication of CoVid infection. She suggested I get RT-PCR Test just to rule it out. But, she also stated she will treat my pneumonia as regular case since I do not have any symptoms consistent with CoVid infection. She then prescribed me with antibiotics.

Evening of the same day, I took Antigen Test. The result was NEGATIVE. It somehow gave me relief since if indeed it was CoVid, the Antigen should have detected the antibodies considering I already have pneumonia.

September 3, 2021: I woke up with news that my niece, Zaphira, was having a fever. That somehow freaked me out. Her temperature, however, will only go down for a few minutes after taking medicines and then would spike again.

I thought things will be better after “hilot” and after the Hilot said that she got “lisa” on her hips. He temperature subsided for a while but spiked up again.

September 4, 2021: Although I was feeling a whole lot better, Zaphi wasn’t. She still had high-grade fever. It felt like my heart was stabbed and sliced as I watch my sister trying to comfort Zaph while in tears. I could not help but blame myself. If only I can take Zaph’s illness I would.

That afternoon, Zaph was complaining some pain, so my sister had to take her to the doctor. We thought things will be alright after my sister saw a “lump” on her gums indicating that her tooth was coming out.

September 5, 2021: Things were tad better. Zaphi’s temperature was normal.
However, she had fever again that night.

My nephew, 11 years old, also started to have fever on the same day.
That evening, Anan was already having chills and high-grade fever.

And yes, it was a bit concerning already.

And also yes, we considered the possibility of CoVid.

Perhaps, it is the absence of the basic symptoms: cough, difficulty of breathing, diarrhea, headaches, etc. that made us second guess.

Or perhaps, we, especially me, is just in denial.

At that point, I already considered that both kids might have got pneumonia.

September 6, 2021: Zaph still had fever so they had to get some laboratory tests— CBC and urinalysis. Everything was normal. Still, nothing explains her fever. The doctor diagnosed it as some viral infection since her WBC, although normal, was a bit high. Thus, she was prescribed with antibiotics.

I also skipped work that day. I was already thinking that SHOULD I am infected, I do not wish to infect more people. Truth is, I do not want to get tested because if the result turns out to be positive, per City Government Policy, I had to be taken to an Isolation Center for monitoring and my entire family will be required to get swabbed. It is the HASSLE of the entire process.

We just thought that perhaps we can just simply do voluntary isolation without getting tested and just think that we are indeed infected.

I was anxious and really scared of what might happen to the kids. I was also worried since we have stay-out househelp who also have kids!

 I remembered praying to God the night before to spare the kids because if something happens to them, especially to Zaph and Anan, I will never be able to forgive myself. I cried myself to sleep that night while repeatedly begging God to just heal everyone, especially Anan and Zaph.

September 7, 2021: My cousin took Anan for an Xray. I also advised my sister to do the same for Zaph just to be sure.

I woke up that day feeling “at peace” for some reason. It is like part of me was already ready to take an RT-PCR Test just to know if I am CoVid positive. It was a whole different feeling.

Also on the same day, they had online consultation with the kids’ pediatrician, who required me to get an RT-PCR Test just so he can rule out CoVid and will determine the best treatment plan for the kids.

I immediately went to a private laboratory so that I can get my results in 12-hours.

For almost a week of struggle and anxiety, I finally decided to get myself tested. While I was in the cab on my way home, I prayed.

Funny because I stopped begging.

I stopped bargaining.

I was at peace.

Somehow, I got an assurance that all will be well – that the kids will be alright.

After a while, I received a message from my cousin that both kids have pneumonia.

September 8, 2021: I figured out that I was at peace — and it was weird. Then I freaked out. The thing is, whenever I surrender my worries to God, He brings me peace.

Yeah. So why worry?

Well, because the PEACE I felt was different yet so familiar.

It was the same PEACE He gave me while I was at the church praying that I pass the Bar Exams and didn’t.

It was the “Do not be afraid. It will be OK. I got you.”

So, at that moment I knew deep inside, I AM COVID POSITIVE.

Of course, I tried to calm myself down and waited for the results. Which was not helpful at all because they said 12 hours, but 12 hours have gone by and still no results.

The anxiety is building up.

People assured me that it will be NEGATIVE because the results took a while. I wanted to say they are wrong but I somehow also wanted to believe they are right.

It was probably the LONGEST WAIT of my life.

I cannot eat well.

I cannot take a nap.

I cannot study.

And I talked to my family of the next steps that we will take just in case I am positive.

That evening, the results finally came.

Confirmed. I AM COVID-19 Positive.

I was sad, of course. But relieved as well. At least we finally know the real deal.

More than anything, I was AMAZED. I was amazed at how GOD spoke to me. Since the pandemic started, I did not know where I stand before Him. My service is a mess. My worship is disaster. Even though the churches were now allowed to hold mass, I still did not attend any mass. I even got myself occupied with lots of stuff that I forgot to pray and too tired to do daily devotions.

That night, I smiled at Him.

“You said all will be well. You promised that You have my back. I put everything unto Your hands. Ikaw na bahala ha..” I told God.

September 9, 2021: As planned, everyone in the family will undergo RT-PCR test. The Barangay assisted us and took my family to the private laboratory.

When they left, I cried.

I cried because I was so afraid of what might happen to them, especially Zaph and Anan.

I prayed.

Again, I surrendered.

September 10, 2021: Around 8AM, the results of the test were sent to us. As expected, BOTH KIDS were positive. So as my sister, my father, my cousin, and my aunt. Only my brother tested negative.

Around 10AM the contact tracer came to our house to get my details. I informed him that most of us were also CoVid Positive. I asked if it is possible that we be allowed to just comply with the isolation requirement at home since we are one household. God is really good. Without a fuss,   the tracer instantly said “Yes”.

Of course, I promised him that we will stay at home and will make sure that we will not infect anybody else.

We then hanged “HOME QUARANTINE” on our gate so our neighbors will be notified.

From September 10 until the end of our quarantine period, no other symptoms showed. Except maybe for my sister who is still having dry cough. Other than that, we were all asymptomatic.

The fourteen days passed like a breeze. Well, at least for me. It is one of the introvert things. We regularly monitored our oxygen levels, ensured we ate healthy foods. Took vitamins and got enough sleep. At least, they did. My sleeping pattern was messed up.

But it was like a “bonding time” for us.

It was sad that they were also infected.

Even our househelp tested positive.

On the brighter side, we were also grateful that despite being positive, we did not have severe symptoms.
VACCINES WORK!

September 24, 2021: I had another RT-PCR Test and we were finally allowed to step outside our gate. Zaphi was very excited and happy to be able to run on the street again. She was running, hopping, and picking up the blades of the grass by the road.

Free at last

September 25, 2021: I tested NEGATIVE.

We are very much grateful to the people who sent us food, drinks, and medicines, and to those who assisted us by doing our errands for us — grocery and buying medicines. And we are also thankful to those who prayed for our safety and recovery.

Above all, we are eternally grateful to Abba for having our backs.

True enough, when He said, “I got you.” He meant it.

He sent kindhearted people to help us with our needs.

He gave us provisions.

He restored our health.

In total surrender, He gave us PEACE.

CoVid-19 is NOT A JOKE.

Maybe one would say “It is not scary and not deadly at all.”

True, since it has low fatality rate.

However, with the delta variant around, things are getting serious. Hospitals are close to full capacity. Oxygen tanks are running out. And just because we looked healthy and we were asymptomatic, does not mean it will be the same case for you (heaven forbids) or for those who you got infected because of your carelessness. It may also be a different case for those who have comorbidities or those who remain unvaccinated.

As for my family and I, we are all FULLY VACCINATED.

And it worked!

Hence, let us be responsible not just for ourselves but for our community as well. Let us consider the children, the senior citizens, those with serious illnesses. Let us follow the rules and help each other out.

Remember:
“If you have the symptoms, never deny it’s CoVid. You might kill people whose immunity are not strong enough after being contaminated by you. And the most painful of all, when children’s health becomes at risk because of adult’s mindlessness.”

Photo Credits: <a href=’https://www.freepik.com/photos/medical’>Medical photo created by freepik – http://www.freepik.com</a&gt;

A Perfect Timing

“God’s timing is always perfect,” this is one of the things that I strongly believe in.

However, challenge comes when your prayers remain unanswered; when you find yourself in an unknown path; when no matter what you do, your plans seemed to crumble and do not work out at all.

You see, one of the SEVEN BIG DREAMS I have for myself is to become someone’s wife. Funny. Because deep inside that strong and independent woman that I claim to be, lies a girl who longs for affection; who yearns for affirmation; who wants to be a part of someone for life. A girl who simply wants to love and be loved.

After my marriage fell apart, I told myself it is what is best for me. Afterall, I grew up focusing more on my interests rather than wanting men. Getting involved with my ex was something I never planned of.

“You got what most girls dreamed of,” I often tell myself.

“You fell in love, you got engaged. You got married! Getting divorced is just a bonus. Haha..” And yes, I am absolutely at peace with the idea.

Yet, there are countless moments that I find myself wanting to be with someone for life. I wanted to come home and cuddle with someone after a long day at work. I wanted travel and stand in awe of God’s creation while holding my person’s hand. I wanted to have an intimate and quiet Sunday mornings — laughing with him as we talk about our week. I wanted to be held, comforted, and told “Everything will be okay..” when I am done being strong.

Most of my friends are already married or are getting married. Some are in a strong and healthy relationship that you know will eventually end up in marriage. Others already have kids. And I envy them.

Marriage is no bed of roses but I want it. And I want to see how much I can love someone until my last breath.

This seemed like a far-fetched idea. Something that will just be a dream forever.

It was nights like this that I come humbled before the Father. Begging Him that should He has other plans for me than becoming a wife, may He take this desire from my heart because it eats me up. It breaks my heart and the pain is unbearable. I cry and ask that I may find comfort, love, and validation from Him and no other so that I will no longer yearn for a husband.

This desire of mine is like a thorn in the flesh — keeps me grounded. Reminding me that it is not what I want that will always be followed. It reminds me who to take refuge from. It tells me to LET GO.

And yes, just like those other nights, here I am, surrendered. Saying, “Thy will be done.”

Truth is, God’s plan for us is beyond our human comprehension. Perhaps my SEVEN BIG DREAMS are still in the making. I may not have everything I prayed for within the schedule I made. In fact, maybe even some of my dreams will not turn into reality. But I still rest in the promise that He has my best interest at heart.

Yes, I am still not close to achieving everything I dreamt of. In fact, my life is probably on detour at the moment. Yet, what’s the rush?

Why in so much hurry?

He got it all figured out.

In time, everything will make sense.

In time, everything will be answered.

Afterall, “God’s timing is always perfect.”

Out of the Comfort Zone

29 December 2019, Davao City: Cold air, lush green mountains, fog kissing the ground, and bright smiles — these are the sights that welcomed us in Brgy. Salaysay, Marilog, Davao City. It was our second year to visit the communities situated in Marilog for our (yearly) “giving-back” tradition. 2019 has been an amazing year, and although we have met different challenges, we were able to surpass them. Visiting far flung communities and giving simple gifts is our way of sharing what we have and spreading God’s love.

During the preparation process, we are already informed that we will take a 1-2hrs trek to reach the community. Fortunately, the road leading to the area is passable by SUVs and 4x4s. With boxes of packed meals, gifts, bite-sized cakes, and some pre-loved clothes, we decided to take the vehicles up and endure the scary and extremely bumpy ride. By God’s grace, we have arrived at the area safe and sound.

The kids from the community welcomed us with bright smiles. As planned, we prepared games for them, few entertainment numbers, food, and simple presents. I came there thinking that I would just document the activity. But things took a different turn when I was asked to lead one of the kids’ groups during the games.

I really do believe I am not good with kids, hence direct interaction with them petrifies me. I can be around them, sure; assist them, yes; but I really cannot supervise them. I have a lot of doubts and hesitations. I can really be mean, pushy, and bossy — things that I do not want others, especially the kids, to feel. However, since I was called for the task, I did what was asked of me, after all we were there to give and be “selfless”.

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Spending time with the kids simply meant playing games and sharing food with them. The kids were also able to bring home some prizes from the games. Apart from it, we also gave them presents. What we prepared were just simple things, but seeing the joy in their eyes make our hearts melt. One of the kids was even ecstatic to receive a pencil and a pen — something we consider as “not much”. That just made us realize that we ought to be grateful for the things that we have.

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Looking closely, it was not just me, who was asked to move out of my comfort zone — it was probably all of us who decided to go on this little adventure. Not all of us are morning people, yet we chose to wake up early for the activity, some even got less than 3-hour sleep. Not all of us can handle long walks, even more so, the long trek (thank goodness we opted to bring the vehicles with us, but still.. It could have happen) yet still said yes to going and meeting these kids. Not all of us are comfortable to be away from the perks of city life but embraced the stillness of the rural life for a few hours. Not all of us have that much resources (financially) but we said yes to this endeavor because we know that we were blessed and will still be blessed in any circumstance. To the Father, provision is not an issue after all.

As for me, I ended up having fun with the kids — playing and winning some games. Indeed, saying YES to new things that is out of my comfort zone opens new experiences — all good things do happen outside of our comfort zones.

The work that was published

Way back 2018, my former boss asked me to write something — her profile. Never did I imagined that it’ll get published but it did.

The Public Manager 2018 Q2 Vol. 31 No. 1

Journey Through Worry

Last February 2019, I wast asked to delivery a testimony about my journey in finding Christ at the Feast SM Ecoland-Saturday. I was again asked to share my journey in transforming worry to victory during the Unburden:A Holy Week Retreat by the Light of Jesus Family last April 20, 2019. Below is the transcription of that testimony.

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What is victory?

If you’d ask me that 4 years ago, I won’t be able to give you an answer. Because 4 years ago, I actually considered ending my life. Four years ago, I got married and five months thereafter, my husband decided to call it quits. Saying yes to marrying him wasn’t difficult because we have been through a lot — we were in a relationship for almost 7 years before deciding to finally settle down. Looking back, I learned that maturity, financial stability, good career, consent, and love are not enough to make your marriage last. That relationship actually lacked one of the most important ingredients – God. It wasn’t God centered. It was worldly let alone immoral.

My ex-husband was many things but I’ll choose to describe him as a good man. And generosity is probably one of his good qualities. He is generous to almost everyone, especially to the people he loves, so you can only imagine how generous he was with me. Although I am not much into gifts or material things, it didn’t stop him from spoiling me – from clothes, shoes, and gadgets, to jewelries, out of town trips, and a house. He spent for my law school, made me stop working to focus on my studies, and paid for by books and everything I needed for school. Apart from buying me stuff and funding both my needs and wants, my EX also cooked for me, did the laundry, and everything else. We did not live a “crazy-rich-Asian” kind of lifestyle but he did make sure that my life is comfortable. For me, that life was already a life of a royalty. I lived like a princess for seven years. A life many probably have dreamt of.

When my ex-husband left my world crumbled. Our relationship was my everything.  He was my security blanket. He was my life. You see, one of the things I realized from our break-up is that no matter how much you try to keep things private, people will still find out. It wasn’t long after he left our house that people in that small town began to talk about us. Also, since I was the wife who got left by her husband, I was judged. I was blamed for what happened. Many, even my so-called-friends, passed on judgments. Many things were said, but they all boiled down to one thing – deserve ko ang nangyari sa akin, and I believed that.

I tried to convince my husband to at least give our marriage another try. I wanted him back and I desperately want to fix our broken marriage. Him leaving, our marriage ending, me being broken and lost was just some of my concerns I had to deal with. What will our living arrangements with regards to the finances be? I was still in the 4^th year of my law school when that happened, how am I supposed to pay for my school and for my books? How do I pay for my bills? How do I eat? Can I even afford food? How do I pay for the house? How can I afford the Bar Exams? I am a nobody, a girl with no job, no husband, and no family. How am I supposed to survive?

God was good even if I placed my husband and my marriage above Him. He even used him to bless me and help me survive. Despite living separately, my EX continued to support me financially. I was able to finish law school while living the life I used to have, only, without him with me. Days after our law school graduation, I decided to move back to Davao. It was one of the toughest decisions I had to make. I was so scared that leaving for good will finally put an end to our marriage. However, I see no other way. God asked me to take that leap of faith and I did. I had to move back here to continue my fight to earn that A-T-T-Y before my name. I had no control over my husband or the future of our marriage, but I have complete control over the process of earning that title – between my marriage and my future career, I decided to choose the latter.

It may be his conscience or just his generous nature, but my ex-husband paid for my bar review, my dormitory, my bar exam fees – basically everything I needed for the Bar Exams. “Ok na man ko, ngano mangutana pa man ka ug naa pa koi kinahanglan?”  I once asked him when he called to ask how I was. “Ginasigurado lang nako na komportable ka..” was his reply. The Bar Exam was my main concern at that time. I took whatever he has to offer even if it made me feel like I am sort of a charity case. I needed help, especially financial help, I cannot afford to let pride get in the way. It is my future that it is at stake. God used my EX to help me and I am in no position na magpaka-choosy. As crazy as it may be, God sometimes uses the people who hurt us, or the people we don’t like to bless us. That actually taught me HUMILITY.

My life wasn’t the same as it was. After the bar, although he still offered, I no longer wish to rely solely on my ex’s financial support. If I wanted to really move on, I had to learn to stand on my own. I had to get a job, learn to live within my means, and simply budget everything like all adults do. I bid farewell to binge watching my favorite TV series. No more sleeping-ins, no more out of town trips, no more eating-outs, and no more shopping. I said hello to daily long commute to work, early waking up hours, packing my own lunch, and mix-matching my clothes. I became the girl, who rides the jeepney from point A to B of this city because paying for taxi is just way too much.

So where is God in the picture?

God is actually in the middle of everything. He was there when the man who promised me forever turned his back on me. He was there when I was crying because my heart was in pieces while struggling to study for my finals. He was there when I wanted to die. He was there when I decided to ride the truck where my belongings were loaded and go back to Davao unsure of how it will affect my marriage. He was there when I was having anxiety because I failed to finish reviewing the coverage for the bar. He was there when I cried and saw myself as someone worthless because I don’t have a job. He was there when I felt useless when I didn’t know how to pay for the vet when I had my cat admitted because he had his worst seizure. He was there when I had panic attacks and couldn’t understand my life nor figure out where I was headed. He was there when the Bar Exam Results came out and I didn’t make it. He was there. He was there the same way He did when I got my first job after the Bar Exams at the City Administrator’s Office. He was there when I decided to forgive my EX and the people who have hurt me. He was also there when I decided to serve at the Feast. He was there when I joined the Singles Ministry. He was there when I got hired in my new job. He was there in both my successes and failures — and He is also here, just like He always does.

I may have encountered God when I have no one else to turn to. But that doesn’t mean I no longer worry or fear. Although I have accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, I always have to remind myself that He is in control. I was made to believe that worrying is wrong. That it’s totally un-follower-of-God-like. But in my journey, I learned that worry and fear don’t make you less of a Christian. In fact, it tells us that something can and may go wrong. Not all of you may agree, however, to me, worry and fear are natural feelings. For me, the measure of our faith isn’t whether we worry or not, but rather it’s on how we respond or handle our worries and fears — are we going to desperately try to control things to achieve our desired outcome or are we going to kneel down and submit everything to the Man above?

So, now what is victory?

Victory, as defined by the dictionary, is the overcoming an enemy or achieving success in a struggle or endeavor against odds or difficulties.

Victory to me, however, is THIS. This moment. This exact moment where I’m standing here before you, speaking about how awesome God is — a moment I never even imagined four years ago. Victory is standing here, talking about God’s love despite the devil’s lies that I am not worthy, that I am not credible because of what I am currently going through. Victory is standing up after you fall. Victory is telling yourself that you are fearfully and wonderfully made even when the man you loved failed to see it. Victory is knowing that you are worth it. Victory is accepting and believing that you are valuable as you are — as-is-where-is, not because of your relationship status or your title. Victory doing something you are scared of knowing that God has your back. Victory is being still in the middle of the storm knowing that He is in control. Victory is choosing to forgive despite the pain and the hurt. Victory is choosing to live everyday despite the tribulations. Victory is choosing to love after being broken.

Victory is Romans 8:28 — “We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

Above all, victory is finding and having Christ in your life.

Yes, my name is Lucky but I am not actually lucky, I AM BLESSED.

Daghang Salamat ug maayong hapon.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY.

Friends and Accountability

T’was late January 2018 when I had the guts to join the Singles Ministry of The Feast SM Ecoland Sunday (now Saturday). At that time I never thought the ladies and the gents I have met will contribute greatly as to who I am today.

We had several LGs (Light Group Meetings) and our bond got stronger and deeper. We learned that discipleship always starts with friendship. We learned the value of service (to God) and that is not a right but rather a privilege. Not everyone is given the chance to serve Him.

A year has passed and here we are. We may not see each other as often as we used to but the friendship remained. We do not have anything in common other than our love for the Man above and it sustains the friendship we never expected to have.

More than a year after we first met and we have shared deeper connections and has started to trust each other. This LG was different. HE made it different. Tears were shed, deep dark secrets were shared, and love prevailed.

I have always wondered why these people have a special place in my heart. Then I realized that it was because they were just some of the many amazing humans God has sent to make me realize that I am worthy and that I am lovable during the time when I questioned my worth and my whole being. They accepted me without judgments. They loved me and still loves me (wa silai choice. haha).

A year after we met and now I am one of the people bestowed with trust to lead these amazing people in serving the Lord. Part of my long prayer is to be able to lead and love them the way our Nanay and Tatay (former Singles Min heads, Aye and Rowell) did to us.

Being servant leaders is never an easy task. You now have lives under your care. You are now responsible in helping them know God more — to guide them if they go astray; to rebuke them in love when they deviate paths. You now have the burden to live the way God taught us —- be a living testimony and a great example.

When we said yes to being LG heads, we said Yes to a higher calling. Although we are not perfect, although we tend to fall, although doubts and fears sometimes get the best of us, we persevere because we know we are not on this alone.. God is with us. And we always bear in mind who do we serve.

All this for His glory.

Kwentong NIPS

Yesterday was my birthday and since adulting is a challenge, I just wanted to let that day pass without much fuss. I had no particular plans in mind apart from serving at the Feast like I always do. Of course, what is the best way to celebrate another 365 days in this world than to give thanks, praise, and worship the Man above.

Before heading to SM City, I happen to stop by at Savemore Supermarket. Among the delish foods sold, I chose to purchase (well technically it was paid by my friends haha) 90g of Nips Peanut Deluxe. Masaya na ako sa NIPS. I take delight on simple stuff.

Upon entering SM City Cinema, they asked me to “leave” my Nips because “outside foods are not allowed inside the cinema”. Although a bit sad, I left my Nips in the custody of the Cinema personnel. And because I tend to forget things recently (pati akong feelings para niya.. 😂 char lang) I set a reminder in my phone to remember that I have a 90g Nips to claim before leaving the Cinema.

My LOJ Family found out that t’was my birthday hence apart from the greetings they gave me cakes! Again, CAKES! (salamat kaayo! 😚😊😘)

I left the Cinema with 3 boxes of cake and my NIPS.

Three cakes plus the one baked specially for me..😍

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So what is my point? Wala. haha.

Bitaw oi.. My point is this: I am fixated on my Nips. I’m satisfied. I am grateful. I am happy. But GOD has better plans. I never wished for a cake (kasi I’m on a diet daw. char lang gud. haha). I never considered buying one either because again I don’t want to make it a big deal. Ok na ako na pasalamatan si Lord. However, apprently He loves me so much to give me more than what I wanted or needed.

You see, we always have these moments in our lives that we settle for something ‘simple’ or ‘small’ thinking that is what we only deserve. That it was something ‘commesurate’ with our efforts but Abba does not give us something equivalent to what we give. He is extremely generous that He adds whenever we fall short. His love overflows and His generosity is immeasurable.

Today, I want you to remember that you are made for bigger things. That you deserve more in life because you are the child of the King. Simply continue to put an effort in what you do and do nkt worry about not being enough because Your Father is willing to meet you more than halfway just to bless you and shower you with blessings that you deserve.

You are loved. ❤️

Breaking the Silence

This is the transcription of the testimony I made during the Feast last February 2, 2019. It took me almost four years to have the courage to speak about my broken marriage. I was not able to share my story because I was ashamed. However, when requested to speak, I just cannot say “NO”. God has been gracious, kind, and patient with me for the past years and He deserves to be glorified by letting the world know how His love mends our broken hearts.

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Tonight, I will be sharing to you my love story. However, unlike any other love stories that started with all that cheesy stuff, mine began with a heartbreak.

My parents and I lived together with my father’s sister’s family. My parents were both working and so I was left under the care of my father’s sister, who treated me like her own. I had a happy childhood. I grew up having two parents – my biological parents and my Tito and my Tita. Hence, I cannot really say that I lack love nor crave attention.

I had my first serious boyfriend in 2008. I fell head over heels in love with him that I’ve set aside everything I believed in just for him, including the teachings of my faith. I’ve engaged in immoral relationship justifying that I’m doing it for love. We lived together for 5 years, was engaged for a year before finally tying the knot in 2015. To others, our love story was ideal. I was a spoiled girlfriend, fiancé, and eventually, wife. My man was kind, understanding, hardworking – every girl’s dream, I suppose. But they had no idea what happens behind closed doors. Our relationship was far from perfect. It was abusive. It was toxic. We bring out the worst in each other, but because I love him, I fought for the relationship. I stayed believing that it’s normal in every relationship and that we will just figure how to make it last. I held on to the relationship thinking it’s the kind of love I deserve. I ignored all the red flags because to me he is worth it. I believed that love will conquer all. I was wrong. Five months after the wedding, while I was here in Davao visiting my family, he sent me a text message saying that he is leaving me because he no longer loves me. I asked if there is someone else, of course he denied it. Who would admit having an affair? I was a law student and I had to stand-by with the principle “innocent until proven guilty”. I had no proof. I had to believe what he says, after all, he is my husband.

I went back to Pagadian hoping we can still fix things – hoping he would reconsider. But he didn’t. He left me for good. I watched him walk out the door – and out of my life. At that moment my world shattered into pieces and I cannot do anything but watch. I felt helpless.

Living alone meant also being left alone with my thoughts. I had a bunch of questions I was desperate to be answered. I fell into depression (I think). I kept on asking God why — why did he allow the wedding to push through only to let the marriage fall apart? Why me, why my marriage? Was I a bad person to deserve such punishment? These were just some of the questions that bugged me.

I struggled. I was lost. I was in the dark, and I was in pain – great pain. I wanted to ask my husband what I did wrong, but then again, will it make any difference? The point is: HINDI NA NYA AKO MAHAL. Every night my sole prayer is for God to take away my life – just so I will no longer feel the pain. And every morning I curse Him for making me live another day. My life was a mess. I was a mess. I was a failure. I cannot seem to get anything right. I really wanted to die, suicide was an option, but I was scared to go to hell.

Months passed and I was still in the dark. Maybe I was crying desperately for help that God finally sent me someone to give me some light. I sent Doc Bianca, a Feaster and an LOJ member, a personal message in FB hoping she can give me some tips on how to get over the break-up. I was hoping that because she is a Christian, she can help make the pain go away. She told me to pray – pray harder and to seek God. I asked her what to do during times when I want to run to my ex because I miss him and I feel alone, she told me to read the Bible and just ask God for a HUG. That night I gained a prayer warrior.

Transformation took time. Leaving everything in God’s hands is scary. I am the kind of person who likes to plan things and be in control. I was scared that if I let go, I will lose my husband completely. Months passed and trying to control things became tiring. I was losing sleep. I was also mentally and spiritually drained. I cried to God and finally admitted that I am exhausted. That night I surrendered everything to Him. I woke up the next day feeling better. I felt a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. After months of sleepless nights, I was able to get some good night rest because I knew that whatever happens my Father is in control.

I stayed in and lived alone in Pagadian for a year. I was already in the 4^th year of my law school when everything happened. I just had to finish it. One year wasn’t that long but it felt like eternity. Pagadian is a small city and a number of people know my husband since he is one of the trusted personnel of one of the influential people in that place. Rumors about our relationship and about me started to spread. Basically, I was blamed for the downfall of our relationship – na dili daw ko gapanglaba ug galuto, na ungrateful daw ko na tao, na napilitan lang daw siya na magpakasal because I blackmailed him. People thought I deserve what happened to me. I believed I deserved what happened to me. I lost myself in the process of loving him, and because of that I easily got confused. Was I really ungrateful? Did I really fail to appreciate my husband? Did I really blackmail him into marrying me? If so, with what?!  I refused to go out of the house for three days. I purposely missed classes because I was ashamed. When I finally had a bit of guts to go out, I made sure that I am seen by few people as much as possible. Again, I had no one to turn to but God. I pressed on with my spiritual journey. It took me a while before I mustered the courage to be honest with myself — to examine myself and handle my demons. It took both courage and humility to admit that I am not the good person as I thought I am. I realized that I did not know much about real love, that my forgiveness oftentimes was given conditionally, and I always let pride get in the way. It was painful but I finally admitted to myself that I have hurt my husband, that I somehow contributed to his brokenness. I repeatedly asked God for forgiveness until I found the courage to give my husband a call and apologize without justifying myself. Whatever my reasons were, the bottom line was: I hurt him, and I must apologize.

My relationship with God got stronger. However, being close to Him did not exempt me from His tests of faith. He subjected me to multiple breaking and pruning, and I learn different lesson each time.

I decided to stand up for my marriage despite being laughed at and despite looking tanga.  Naa na daw siyai lain, tanga daw ko para muasa na mubalik pa siya. Maayo pa daw mangita pud kog lain.  Dapat na sad daw ko mag-move on. Although it pains me to be called tanga, umaasa, or marupok, I knew that the best thing to do at that moment is to be still and believe that God is doing something even if I am not seeing anything. I reminded myself that I made a covenant with God that I will love my husband “till death do we part”. Hence, even it hurts to be judged, I took it all because I know that I am standing up for God – for His teachings. I had to endure everything because I believe that He will stir me to the right direction when the time is finally right.

After I graduated from law school, God tested my obedience. I already made up my mind that I will be staying in Pagadian, but God has been pushing to leave and go back to Davao. I got scared. Leaving may mean it’s totally over for us. But, when I told God I am lifting everything to Him, along with it was a promise that I would trust and obey. And so I did. I was scared but I decided to take that leap of faith and left that city for good.

Moving back to Davao was one of the best decisions I made, I saw my life falling into place. But, God wasn’t done with me yet. My faith was further tested when I took the 2017 Bar Exams. It was my first time to stay in Manila alone and for a long time. But my Father loves me so much to let me to do things on my own. He sent me people to help me get by. My sister’s boyfriend (now husband) was in Manila at that time and he helped me get settled. One of my law professors gave me a call to remind me that I am brilliant just when I am about to quit because I sucked during the first Sunday of the bar exams. One of my best friends reminded me to do my part by showing up during the exams and leave the rest to God, when I was crying and was having panic attacks. God sent my law school friends to greet us on the last Sunday of the bar just when I thought that nobody will be there for me during salubong. I witnessed Him pull off miracles in my favor.

I started attending the Feast late June 2017, but it was only in January 2018 that I decided to serve. I couldn’t be more grateful for the community and for the people. I was welcomed and I felt loved. April 26, 2018, the Bar exams results came out. Before seeing the list, I already knew I didn’t make it. How? Because while I was begging Him to make sure I passed, I already heard Him say “Sorry, my child, I have to say No this time. But I want you to trust me. I got you.”  True enough, when the list was out, my name was not there. I was not surprised. But I blurted out “Seriously, Lord?!”. God knew that I can get crazy and do stupid stuff and so He sent me my barkada to comfort me, they cried with me inside San Pedro Cathedral. I also believe that He already planned that I’d be part of the Singles Ministry because they were also there to cheer me up. Aye did not give up reaching out to me. Countless missed calls and “asa ka? Maski asa pa ka adtuan ka namo!”  messages. She was insistent so I caved in and decided to meet them that night. It was comforting to know that she fully understood how I felt because she too failed her board exam the first time she took it. Loi, also had similar story. Both of them didn’t give up on their dreams and so they’re now an Engineer and an architect. That night I felt loved. God’s love overflowed. Days that followed, I got messages from my family, my boss, my officemates, my bros and sisses, tito’s and tita’s from LOJ. They became Jesus to me. I continued serving in the Feast regardless of my broken heart because I knew that I need it more than ever.

Dark clouds hanged above my head for quite some time eventhough I continued serving the Lord. And so I took time to pray. It was during that time that feelings I never thought I had was brought into the open. I told God that I felt He betrayed me because He said “no” to my dream. I asked him a bunch of questions. I got angry. I told Him that He is no different from my ex. “Pinaasa ‘nya rin ako.” He knew why I badly need to pass the bar. He knew I needed to become a lawyer so finally be free from my husband because I was still financially dependent to him and I was dying to cut the ties. I need to become a lawyer so I can give to my family, not being able to help in the family’s finances makes me feel worthless. I was clueless as to how I can move forward. He, however, remained quiet.

It wasn’t long when the dark clouds above me started to disappear. Shortly after that, I came running back to my Father, crying, begging for Him to forgive me. I may not understand why He had to say NO to my dream, but I finally believed that my best interests are in His hands.

Serving in the Feast contributed greatly in my spiritual growth and in my honing to becoming a better person. Despite what I have been through I was welcomed and loved by my LOJ family, especially my Singles Min Family. They have been Jesus to me, and I was motivated to be better each day.

In my story, I never mentioned my family and it’s not because they weren’t there for me. I think they had no idea of the battles I had to face. They knew my marriage fell apart, but they didn’t have any idea as to the gravity of its effect on me because whenever asked, I always tell them I’m OK. I love my family so much to burden them with all my life’s drama. It was my barkada who made me realize that I was being selfish. They told me that if it pains them so much that I am pushing them away, then it’s even more painful for my family because I am not letting them in. They reminded me to “let people love me.”

In all that I’ve been through, I found out that God will remove people in our lives especially if they cause us to go astray. He will also place the right people in our paths. These people simply made me believe that I am worthy of loving. Slowly, God revealed to me the answers to all my questions. From all the things I’ve been through, I learned to be mindful of my intentions. My failed marriage reminded me of God’s FIRST COMMANDMENT: Thou shall not have any other God before me. I placed my marriage above God. I made myself believe that it was a God-centered relationship, but the truth was, it wasn’t. I refuse to obey Him because I would choose my marriage and my husband over His directions. Resisting God’s orders will only worsen the struggle and block the blessings that God is supposed to give. Being financially dependent on my husband thought me humility and gratefulness. God will sometimes use the people we don’t like to bless us, and we just have to be grateful. I learned to pray for those who have hurt me, wish well the people who cursed me, and forgive them even if they didn’t ask for forgiveness. My failed relationship taught me that my value as woman and a person shouldn’t be based on other people’s validation. I am created in God’s own image and thus I am amazing as He is amazing. Flunking the bar made me realize that I am already worthy of love and respect sans the A-T-T-Y before my name – that the title will not define who I am. I realized that I wanted to pass the bar for the wrong reasons. It is I, who will determine if I will finally be free from my husband and not my title. I realized that God can provide me with resources so I can give to my family despite me not yet becoming a lawyer. I learned that 85% of the things we are afraid to happen, will not actually happen, 10% happens but is less painful than we imagined it to be, and 5% occurs and will hurt but the pain in tolerable, sometimes even neglible. Training myself to be still during confusing times developed my patience.

Now, I am confident to say that I am where God wants me to be and I couldn’t thank Him enough. He was true to His word when He told me to trust Him. Moving back to Davao made me realize that the world is big and there is so much more that I can offer. He blessed me with a good job and then allowed me to move to a much greener pasture. He surrounded me with amazing people, whose stories also brought me inspiration. The love from my family, friends, work friends, and this community made me see the kind of love I deserve and that I must not settle for less. Surely, God will never let our pain go to waste – He always makes something good out of the bad. God’s love healed me.

My heartbreak paved way for me to know myself better. I learned that I am made for better things. I realized that I’m capable of loving unconditionally. I learned the kind of love I deserve. And lastly, because of my heartbreak, I finally found the ONE, the one who loves me beyond measure, and it’s no other than GOD, my Father. I am no longer afraid knowing that I am never alone. My heartbreak taught me that while I was begging for love, someone was already offering the love I deserve and He was patiently waiting for me to notice Him. I might have found my heart’s content on earthly things and people, but nothing beats the satisfaction of my heart’s restlessness in the One who loved me first, even before the world began.

I am now here before you because I am finally embracing my limp and breaking free from the stigma of my past. I will no longer allow my past to define my future. I am both God’s masterpiece and a work in progress. I will no longer allow my fear of people’s judgments to keep me from sharing God’s goodness.

I may not know what the future holds, but I am no longer afraid of what it will be. Matthew 10:29-31—“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So DO NOT BE AFRAID; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

My name is LUCKY, once lost, now found. Once broken, now mended. And once afraid, now brave.

Good evening.

 

An Open Letter to the Woman Who Seem to Despise Me So Much..

 

You were so mad at me that you wanted to ruin my life. You spewed angry words at me — words filled with such venomous rage.

If I were my early 2016 self I would have responded to you with even deadlier words and would have torn you apart. I may be small but I sure do know how to break a person’s ego. I did that to my husband, I cannot see why I can’t do the same to you.

But you see, I am no longer that person. I have taken a good look at myself in the mirror after that incident with you and saw how much of a horrible monster I turned out to be. I was broken and I need someone to blame. I was hurt and thus I also hurt other people. But you see, I have learned that I can never fix my brokenness with rage. I cannot also expect other people to fix the problems I got myself into. Only I can patch things up. Only love can make me whole again and with that I  made it my mission to become better — to be worthy of the love and respect that people may offer — to be clean and right before the Father’s eyes.

As much as I wanted to insult you, I can’t. And although I failed to handle the situation with class, I can still give myself credit for not disrespecting you in anyway.

You berated me and as much as I wanted to respond to you in the same manner, I chose not to. I cannot for now I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND YOU. You have all the right to despise me because after all the love and care you have shown me, I blamed you for the mess I got myself in to.

You hate me this much because at some point you also loved me this much. And I loved you too. You were like my older sister and I look up to you. You treated me like a family yet I seemed to have thrown it away in just a blink of an eye.

In my journey of fixing myself and finding inner peace, I actually learned that how we perceive people speaks more of who we really are. That is how I keep my cool and not lose my shit despite everything you just said to me. For one, all you said about me were not true. And I also begin to understand that you are not completely mad at me. You are simply mad at something you see in me that you may also have in you; or something that I have that you think I do not deserve. You see, we tend to see our reflections on people. Oftentimes we hate people because they show us things we refuse to see in ourselves. I hated my husband for not honoring his commitment, but I too, at several instances failed to keep my promises to him and to others. I hate waiting but I actually also make other people wait. I hated you before because I can see how cool you can be (and I will never be as cool as you) and my husband seems to enjoy your company more than mine. Also, there are times that we dislike them for having something which we wish we also have.

I have everything handed to me. I get what I want without having to lift a finger and maybe that is why you hate me so much. My husband left me but it never seemed like he did. He still gives me everything I want and he still makes little efforts to make me comfortable. Something, I believe, that you wish your husband will do the same for you. You work your ass off to live a comfortable life while I did not have to do anything and still get things my way.

You fear that when I succeed with all my plans I will get even — I will take revenge. But you see, it is just all in your head. I cannot blame you though. Perhaps because if you put yourself in my shoes, you will surely get back on the people who have hurt you. My old self will perhaps do the same. But I am not that person anymore. I realized that there are so many beautiful things in life that has to be enjoyed. Staying bitter and miserable is simply a waste of time. In fact, when I get to fulfill my dreams, I will make myself busy enjoying the fruits of my hard work and surely I will no longer have time to get back on people, who, I believed have hurt me. For what it’s worth, if I succeed, I have you all to thank for.

Who am I to judge, yet perhaps also one of the reasons you might want to look in to in order to know why you hate me is because you cannot seem to fathom how I can be so happy and at peace despite being left by the love of my life. While you, on the other hand, was the one who left your love and you strongly believe it was the right decision and yet maybe you cannot seem to find peace. How I manage to stand up after I fell is actually a complex process but it all boils down to letting God take control and forgiving myself for everything that I did which led to the break up. I can never unlove my husband and I learned to accept that. Perhaps the realization that love is not about possession is one of the reasons why I was able to just live my life. My faith in God that He is always in control helps me sleep soundly at night.

I have learned from my previous mistakes. I have learned to own up to everything I did wrong. And if there is anything that I need to admit, it is the fact that I trusted some people and I told them how I felt instead of telling you directly what was bothering me. I never really gave it a thought that they may misinterpret what I say and spin it into something different. I was so immature, selfish and stupid back then. With that, I AM REALLY SORRY.

I am sorry I am not miserable as you hoped I would be. You probably wish I am, thinking I deserve it after everything that you believe I did to you. I never bad mouth-ed you to anyone, or at least it was not my intention. I should have been smart enough to realize that people can give that a different meaning. I am sorry I judged you and I am sorry I broke your heart.

As someone I once loved, I wish you will find a way to heal the wounds I and other people have caused you. You deserve to be happier than you are now and I pray that you will be able to forgive yourself for the decisions you may feel you did wrong and give yourself a chance to start anew. You are a wonderful person and you deserve more peace and love just like everyone else.

Sincerely, I pray that God will bring you the additional loads of peace and comfort He has given you and me the past years.

Wishing you all the best.

 

 

 

 

Fascinating Year Ahead!

My 27^th year was probably the longest, hardest and yet the most amazing year of my life. It was composed of lots of both ups and downs — smooth and bumpy rides, yet despite of it all the path became all too familiar that it led to comfort. It became a plain routine that somehow led me to believe that a conclusive presumption exists that everything is OK — in fact too close to being perfect. However, that presumption was not actually conclusive but rather rebuttable. There are things that would make you realize and would break that seemingly perfect world into pieces.

“Where’s the fun in living without that few bumps along the way?” God must have thought.

Surely if one finds comfort in monotony then there is no pushing one’s self beyond his limits. There is no growth and there is no chance for you to become the one He intends you to be.

The following are some of the lessons I learned just before I turn 28:

1. BE HONEST.  If you felt hurt then accept it. There is no use tricking your mind and convincing yourself that you are OK. If other people hurt you, let them know even if it would turn out that you just misunderstood them. Telling the truth is better than trying to please others. Afterall, you can really never please everyone.

2. SAYING “NO” IS EQUALLY IMPORTANT AND MEANINGFUL AS SAYING “YES”. Just simply say “No” if you dislike something rather than say “Yes” and then you go doing things half-heartedly.

3. HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE. You can never rely your happiness to someone else. Your happiness is determined by how you look at the circumstances. The glass will always be either half-empty or half-full. Always choose to believe in the positive side of every situation.

4. DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF OR YOUR LIFE TO OTHERS. You will never be satisfied with what you have if you keep on looking at what other people have on their plate. Remember, if you find the need to compare, compare your life to those who have less.

5. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO WHAT YOU FEEL. There is nothing wrong in being sad or broken. These things help us become better individuals. Never allow people to belittle your feelings. Never allow others to tell you what you should and should not feel.

6. MEAN IT WHEN YOU SAY “OK”. Never say things are alright with you even if they are really not. You will regret it in the end. Remember Lesson Number 1.

7. IGNORING THE PROBLEM WILL NOT MAKE IT GO AWAY. Letting issues pass by with hopes that it will just magically disappear will not solve it. It will just pile up until one day you will realize it took a toll on you. Acknowledging the problem’s existence and confronting it head-on is the way to do it.

8. LET GO. Learn to let go may it be some feeling, a thing, or a person. You cannot move forward if you keep on looking back. You cannot make someone stay if they do not want to.

9. YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE A PERSON BUT YOU CAN CHANGE THE WAY YOU RESPOND TO THEM. Change must be something personal and voluntary. Instead of expecting someone to change after pointing out their habits that upset you, simply change the way you respond towards the situation. More often than not, you can just let it pass.

10. PAUSE, RESPOND NOT REACT. Before saying or doing anything after being upset by or over something, PAUSE. Understand the situation and know the proper way to address the issue at hand. Not every unpleasant scenario would require you to say or do something.

11. EXPECTATION IS THE ROOT OF ALL HEARTACHES. Believe in people’s goodness but do not expect anything from them. You’d actually be surprised on how great people are if you do not expect anything from them.

12. MARRIAGE IS UGLY. It is not the “happy-ever-after” kind of thing you read in fairy tales. Marriage requires hard-work, consistency, perseverance, understanding, faith and love to bring that “happy-ever-after” in real life.

13. Lastly, PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST IS NOT SELFISHNESS. It is self-love and self-preservation. In order to love others, you must first love yourself. Remember that you cannot give what you do not have.

I have decided that my 28^th year will be all about rediscovering myself and chasing my happiness. I am choosing to love people around me hence I should strive to be whole again. This year will be spent on building my dreams and serving God. This year will be about searching for inner peace and finding security in the Father’s love.

 

HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!