An Open Letter to the Woman Who Seem to Despise Me So Much..

 

You were so mad at me that you wanted to ruin my life. You spewed angry words at me — words filled with such venomous rage.

If I were my early 2016 self I would have responded to you with even deadlier words and would have torn you apart. I may be small but I sure do know how to break a person’s ego. I did that to my husband, I cannot see why I can’t do the same to you.

But you see, I am no longer that person. I have taken a good look at myself in the mirror after that incident with you and saw how much of a horrible monster I turned out to be. I was broken and I need someone to blame. I was hurt and thus I also hurt other people. But you see, I have learned that I can never fix my brokenness with rage. I cannot also expect other people to fix the problems I got myself into. Only I can patch things up. Only love can make me whole again and with that I  made it my mission to become better — to be worthy of the love and respect that people may offer — to be clean and right before the Father’s eyes.

As much as I wanted to insult you, I can’t. And although I failed to handle the situation with class, I can still give myself credit for not disrespecting you in anyway.

You berated me and as much as I wanted to respond to you in the same manner, I chose not to. I cannot for now I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND YOU. You have all the right to despise me because after all the love and care you have shown me, I blamed you for the mess I got myself in to.

You hate me this much because at some point you also loved me this much. And I loved you too. You were like my older sister and I look up to you. You treated me like a family yet I seemed to have thrown it away in just a blink of an eye.

In my journey of fixing myself and finding inner peace, I actually learned that how we perceive people speaks more of who we really are. That is how I keep my cool and not lose my shit despite everything you just said to me. For one, all you said about me were not true. And I also begin to understand that you are not completely mad at me. You are simply mad at something you see in me that you may also have in you; or something that I have that you think I do not deserve. You see, we tend to see our reflections on people. Oftentimes we hate people because they show us things we refuse to see in ourselves. I hated my husband for not honoring his commitment, but I too, at several instances failed to keep my promises to him and to others. I hate waiting but I actually also make other people wait. I hated you before because I can see how cool you can be (and I will never be as cool as you) and my husband seems to enjoy your company more than mine. Also, there are times that we dislike them for having something which we wish we also have.

I have everything handed to me. I get what I want without having to lift a finger and maybe that is why you hate me so much. My husband left me but it never seemed like he did. He still gives me everything I want and he still makes little efforts to make me comfortable. Something, I believe, that you wish your husband will do the same for you. You work your ass off to live a comfortable life while I did not have to do anything and still get things my way.

You fear that when I succeed with all my plans I will get even — I will take revenge. But you see, it is just all in your head. I cannot blame you though. Perhaps because if you put yourself in my shoes, you will surely get back on the people who have hurt you. My old self will perhaps do the same. But I am not that person anymore. I realized that there are so many beautiful things in life that has to be enjoyed. Staying bitter and miserable is simply a waste of time. In fact, when I get to fulfill my dreams, I will make myself busy enjoying the fruits of my hard work and surely I will no longer have time to get back on people, who, I believed have hurt me. For what it’s worth, if I succeed, I have you all to thank for.

Who am I to judge, yet perhaps also one of the reasons you might want to look in to in order to know why you hate me is because you cannot seem to fathom how I can be so happy and at peace despite being left by the love of my life. While you, on the other hand, was the one who left your love and you strongly believe it was the right decision and yet maybe you cannot seem to find peace. How I manage to stand up after I fell is actually a complex process but it all boils down to letting God take control and forgiving myself for everything that I did which led to the break up. I can never unlove my husband and I learned to accept that. Perhaps the realization that love is not about possession is one of the reasons why I was able to just live my life. My faith in God that He is always in control helps me sleep soundly at night.

I have learned from my previous mistakes. I have learned to own up to everything I did wrong. And if there is anything that I need to admit, it is the fact that I trusted some people and I told them how I felt instead of telling you directly what was bothering me. I never really gave it a thought that they may misinterpret what I say and spin it into something different. I was so immature, selfish and stupid back then. With that, I AM REALLY SORRY.

I am sorry I am not miserable as you hoped I would be. You probably wish I am, thinking I deserve it after everything that you believe I did to you. I never bad mouth-ed you to anyone, or at least it was not my intention. I should have been smart enough to realize that people can give that a different meaning. I am sorry I judged you and I am sorry I broke your heart.

As someone I once loved, I wish you will find a way to heal the wounds I and other people have caused you. You deserve to be happier than you are now and I pray that you will be able to forgive yourself for the decisions you may feel you did wrong and give yourself a chance to start anew. You are a wonderful person and you deserve more peace and love just like everyone else.

Sincerely, I pray that God will bring you the additional loads of peace and comfort He has given you and me the past years.

Wishing you all the best.

 

 

 

 

I Forgive You..

“Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.” -Matthew 18:21-22

Dear Husband,

There as so many things that I do not know about myself, but among the things that I do know is the fact that I often find it difficult to forgive people who have hurt me and caused me a lot of pain. When our paths crossed and I fell in love with you I thought I have already learned to forgive since I often forgive you when you happen to hurt me multiple of times. Sadly, it wasn’t what I thought it should be.

You see, when you forgive people you have to forgive them unconditionally. When you forgive, you just have to give it and let it go — not making count nor use it as ammo for the next big fight.

When you left and I decided to redirect my life into serving God, I came to know how to forgive. It was totally difficult at first. I must surrender my pride and humble myself in order to forgive myself from everything I committed which led to our separation. It took guts to examine who I really am and see the monster I have turned to be. It also took a lot of guts to forgive you and accept the fact that you just made a decision which you deem best for yourself and for both of us. It hurts at first but as I move on with life and get to know God more I came to understand why and I have learned to be thankful for it.

We were good until last Saturday when you allowed your “friend” to use your facebook account and talk to me in the meanest way one can ever imagine. She definitely threw a temper tantrum and started to spew venom everywhere — basically all of it was aimed to me. You see, I moved back to my hometown with hopes of changing my fate and getting a fresh start in life. I really thought you have already understood that. We were good until you and your friends decided to accuse me of something that I did not do. Have you forgotten, dear husband, that it is not only I who know all your schemes? In fact I am even amazed that other people know more things about you than I do. It seemed like I even married a man totally different from who you really are. The truth is, whatever you and your “friend” do with your lives — I don’t really care! So why did you decide to drag me into the mess that you are now in to?

My faith has thought me to be kind to everyone and that is what I am trying to do everyday. I am also learning to believe in the goodness of people and have faith in humanity. Hence, even if you left me which totally destroyed my trust in you, I tried to focus my attention to the goodness I have known that you possess and just relied on it. I do believe in my heart that the man I married is a good man. Yet, what happened made me wonder what things you reported to your friends were? Did you even share to them conversations that should be just between us? Do you really allow her to read your messages?! So is there really something going on with you and your cute friend since she has access to your account? I wish these questions will be answered but again, I’d rather not know to spare myself from the pain.

Dear husband, after going through the kind of pain that I went through I have known better. I have learned not to ask you questions I am not prepared to hear the answers. I have learned not to mind your business or ask people what you are up to so as to spare myself from possible pain. Husband dear, I am not as stupid as you thought I am. I may be crazy but I know how to love myself and to take care of myself. Ever since our separation all I ever cared about is to get back on my feet and take care of my mental well being. Allowing myself to still know your activities will only drive me crazy and it is something that I’d rather not turn to be.

Husband, have you ever known me to lie? Did I even believe that rumors when it reached me? Isn’t it that I came to you right after to confirm its truthfulness? I may question you from time to time but did I ever go to other people and confirm the validity of such issues when I do not even know the facts myself? How come I was the first person you thought would do such horrible thing to you? Do you realize how much will it cost me if you lose your job? Above all, do you have any idea how much it hurts?

But it was done. You allowed your righteous and know it all friend to meddle with our affairs. I may be hurting and I may be angry but I will still choose to do the right thing. Husband, I will tell you now that I FORGIVE YOU. I forgive you for being weak. I forgive you for not trusting me and I forgive you for allowing other people to talk to me that way.

I forgive you and I am letting this go. Not for you or for your friends but for my sake. This is how I am able to sleep soundly at night. I am hoping you will soon find the peace that I have already found.

 

Wishing you all the best,

Your soon to be ex-wife.

 

Magnet: How to Attract the Right Person into Your Life

Magnet: How to Attract the Right Person into Your Life

“No man is an island” so they say. We may tend to distance ourselves from others but the truth is we still want to belong. Humans are social creatures; we interact with others to survive. Relationships form a huge part of our lives. Most often than not, we walk on this world in search for our perfect match.

In this modern age, studies about relationships and dating strategies are very common. Books telling us how to get a date, how to attract the perfect match or how to impress a girl are available almost everywhere. Then again, why, despite the accessibility of these books, are there relationships that do not last? Why are there still many of us who are stuck in unhealthy relationships? More often than not we blame the other person. We blame the so-called-abuser. But guess what? We are equally to be blamed as well.

One of the most important reasons why we cannot seem to have healthy relationships is because we also do not have a healthy relationship with ourselves. The saying “love yourself first” may sound cliché but it in fact states the entire truth. If you really love yourself and really like yourself, it will be easier for you to attract the right person into your life.

So how do we attract the right person? There are basically THREE LAWS OF ATTRACTION. 

    1. You do not attract what you deserve, YOU ATTRACT WHAT YOU THINK YOU DESERVE. How to we see others speaks more about how we see ourselves than what or who they really are. Our perception is our reality. Consider this: Lea, who to many, is a bright, young, beautiful woman. Like any other attractive women, she has many suitors. Among them are Brad, a good man from a good family, with stable job as an architect and Jake, an alcoholic bum with temper problem. Lea’s family of course wanted Brad for her. Much to their surprise, Lea chose Jake over Brad. She stays in the relationship even if he continuously belittles her and she defends him from her family and friends by saying that they just do not see what she sees in Jake.We often see women in an abusive relationship and we wonder why she stays in such situation when in fact we know she deserves better. The truth is, just like Lea, these women (or men) may not see things that way. She stays because she believes it is simply what she deserves and she cannot and does not deserve to “wish” for more. 
      1. You do not attract who you want, YOU ATTRACT WHO YOU ARE. Unhealthy relationships are common nowadays. Going back to the story of Lea, we wonder, how can a woman of such brains and beauty allows a man like Jake to simply walk over her. What we do not know is that long before he treated her like garbage, she already treats herself as garbage. It is not because Lea is a masochist or a martyr that she stays in such relationship. She simply stays because she believes in herself that the only person who could love her is the one who is like herself.

       

      Most common mistake many of us tend to commit nowadays is jumping into another relationship shortly after the previous one failed. When we do this, we fail to give ourselves the time to grieve and heal. If we want to attract the right person, we must know that we must never move on to another relationship without allowing our wounds to heal first. Unhealed wounds would only attract wounded persons and we enter into a relationship with expectations that such person would somehow fix us.

      1. You do not attract how you want to be treated, YOU ATTRACT HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF. It is said that people only treats you the way they see how you treat yourself. If you want someone to respect you, then you have to behave like a respectable person that you are. In Lea’s case, she accepts whatever Jake hands her because to her abuse felt like love. Since Lea does not see herself to be deserving of something great and better, she simply accepts what Jake gives her because it is the only type of love she understands. 

Our relationships need not be like Lea’s. God created us in His own image and likeness (Genesis 1:27) and therefore we deserve to enjoy the blessings that the Father may bestow upon us. We are already cleansed and saved by the blood of his Son, Jesus Christ (1 John 4:9-10) and thus there is no use of beating ourselves up and settling for less. The devil does not want God’s work to succeed hence he plays with our minds and filling our heads with ideas designed to make us see ourselves less than who we really are. We must learn to see ourselves not the way other people see us but the way God sees us. God looks at us beyond our sins and cracks, beyond our imperfections and shortcomings. We are far less than His Son but He loves us nonetheless. We push Him away, yet He stays because He sees more than what others or we see ourselves.

Many of us are in search for the right person instead of working to be the right person. We need to learn to love ourselves enough first to determine what we deserve. We must be that love that we think we deserve.

We must learn to love ourselves – love ourselves enough to walk away from people who do not see our real worth. We must love ourselves enough not to settle for less. We must love ourselves enough to accept ourselves – broken, wounded and scarred and not to change it just to please another. We must love ourselves to admit that we are only humans capable of making mistakes and even more capable of correcting those mistakes. We must love ourselves enough to choose the people who also choose us as well. We must love ourselves enough to choose our own happiness.

Remember that God has plans for us, plans to prosper and not to harm us (Jeremiah 29:11). With this we must bear in mind that we deserve best and God does not want it any other way.

Credits:

Ideas from the talk during THE FEAST DAVAO- 28 May 2017

The articles on The Feast Newsletter/Programme written by Bro. Bo Sanchez and January Santiago

Photo from: https://www.theodysseyonline.com/loveyself

If we were still together..

If we were still together..

 

February 13th, a day before Valentine’s Day.

If we were still together, I would have spent this day planning for tomorrow’s special day.

If we were still together, I would have spent this day researching for a fancy menu for tomorrow’s dinner.

If we were still together, I would have spent this day making a romantic playlist to go with that fancy dinner.

If we were still together, I would have spent this day figuring out the outfit I would wear to make you admire me more.

If we were still together, I would have spent this day making a funny valentine card that I can give you.

If we were still together, tomorrow would have been our second valentine’s day as married couple.

But we are no longer together.

You walked out the door nine months ago.

And I am left here with nothing much to do for tomorrow.

It is such a great feeling not to be subjected to any stress or pressure of making tomorrow special.

But you know what?

I would gladly welcome the stress and pressure if it would mean spending Valentine’s day with you.

Photo credits: http://data.whicdn.com/images/98166043/large.jpg

In silence and stillness..

When you left, the entire place became silent. My whole world fell silent.

It is deafening.

It drove me mad.

Killer thoughts in my head that were once just whispers became loud tormenting screams in my silence.

In my silence I suffered a lot.

But my silence brought a lot of realizations.

After months of struggling with my ordeal, I came to know that silence is not so bad. In fact, silence can actually be full of love and tranquil.

Today, I am choosing to be silent not because I stopped loving you or because I am giving up on us. I am simply taking my vow of silence to give you the space you need to grow. I am giving you the space you need in order for you to become who you wished you would be. I am giving you the space to actually think what you want from life and from me.

My silence simply means I am fine. I am staying still because I have faith. I have faith that if we are indeed meant for each other, fate will work its way to bring us back together and if we are not, then maybe someday we will meet the persons we deserve along the way.

Let it be known that in my silence I am missing you. I am missing you every second of every minute of every day. But let it also be known that I choose not to tell you this because I know it will not change anything and because I know that you know.

In my silence and in my stillness please know that I am always here when you wish to reach out; that I will still answer the phone when you call; or would unlock the doors when you come knocking.

My silence simply means that you are in my mind but in a quiet way now. You will always be in my mind – in the early morning when everyone is still sound asleep and in the late nights when no one is up. I think about you now with my mind at ease.

I choose to be still because I am now submitting to our fate. I am now surrendering to the different roads we are on and to the different outlooks we have. I am now submitting myself to no other than the present because that is all I can guarantee and can control.

In my silence let it be known that I am happy – I am happy even if what we had was short. It was short and sweet but we also no longer have anything to talk about.

I will always remember your smile, your jokes, your laugh, your looks and your secrets. I will remember your scent and the weight of your arms wrapped around me when we sleep next to each other. I will always remember the simplicity of it all before destiny took another turn.

In my silence I learned that I need some time alone too. I need time to understand why good people will cross our path and leave so soon. In my silence I will try to discover the mystery behind perfect timing and if there is indeed such a thing. In my silence I will try to understand that I have no one but myself because people will simply come and go.

My silence does not mean I am letting the idea of “us” go. It simply means that I’m taking time away from the light you shine in my world. I will not take you out of my heart and out of my mind, but I will allow myself to get used to your absence and learn to live my life the way I did before you came along.

My silence does not mean it is the end. My silence simply means I am close but also far away; I am here but I am not, and I am conscious but also oblivious. My silence simply means “till we meet again” and not farewell.