“Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.” -Matthew 18:21-22
There as so many things that I do not know about myself, but among the things that I do know is the fact that I often find it difficult to forgive people who have hurt me and caused me a lot of pain. When our paths crossed and I fell in love with you I thought I have already learned to forgive since I often forgive you when you happen to hurt me multiple of times. Sadly, it wasn’t what I thought it should be.
You see, when you forgive people you have to forgive them unconditionally. When you forgive, you just have to give it and let it go — not making count nor use it as ammo for the next big fight.
When you left and I decided to redirect my life into serving God, I came to know how to forgive. It was totally difficult at first. I must surrender my pride and humble myself in order to forgive myself from everything I committed which led to our separation. It took guts to examine who I really am and see the monster I have turned to be. It also took a lot of guts to forgive you and accept the fact that you just made a decision which you deem best for yourself and for both of us. It hurts at first but as I move on with life and get to know God more I came to understand why and I have learned to be thankful for it.
We were good until last Saturday when you allowed your “friend” to use your facebook account and talk to me in the meanest way one can ever imagine. She definitely threw a temper tantrum and started to spew venom everywhere — basically all of it was aimed to me. You see, I moved back to my hometown with hopes of changing my fate and getting a fresh start in life. I really thought you have already understood that. We were good until you and your friends decided to accuse me of something that I did not do. Have you forgotten, dear husband, that it is not only I who know all your schemes? In fact I am even amazed that other people know more things about you than I do. It seemed like I even married a man totally different from who you really are. The truth is, whatever you and your “friend” do with your lives — I don’t really care! So why did you decide to drag me into the mess that you are now in to?
My faith has thought me to be kind to everyone and that is what I am trying to do everyday. I am also learning to believe in the goodness of people and have faith in humanity. Hence, even if you left me which totally destroyed my trust in you, I tried to focus my attention to the goodness I have known that you possess and just relied on it. I do believe in my heart that the man I married is a good man. Yet, what happened made me wonder what things you reported to your friends were? Did you even share to them conversations that should be just between us? Do you really allow her to read your messages?! So is there really something going on with you and your cute friend since she has access to your account? I wish these questions will be answered but again, I’d rather not know to spare myself from the pain.
Dear husband, after going through the kind of pain that I went through I have known better. I have learned not to ask you questions I am not prepared to hear the answers. I have learned not to mind your business or ask people what you are up to so as to spare myself from possible pain. Husband dear, I am not as stupid as you thought I am. I may be crazy but I know how to love myself and to take care of myself. Ever since our separation all I ever cared about is to get back on my feet and take care of my mental well being. Allowing myself to still know your activities will only drive me crazy and it is something that I’d rather not turn to be.
Husband, have you ever known me to lie? Did I even believe that rumors when it reached me? Isn’t it that I came to you right after to confirm its truthfulness? I may question you from time to time but did I ever go to other people and confirm the validity of such issues when I do not even know the facts myself? How come I was the first person you thought would do such horrible thing to you? Do you realize how much will it cost me if you lose your job? Above all, do you have any idea how much it hurts?
But it was done. You allowed your righteous and know it all friend to meddle with our affairs. I may be hurting and I may be angry but I will still choose to do the right thing. Husband, I will tell you now that I FORGIVE YOU. I forgive you for being weak. I forgive you for not trusting me and I forgive you for allowing other people to talk to me that way.
I forgive you and I am letting this go. Not for you or for your friends but for my sake. This is how I am able to sleep soundly at night. I am hoping you will soon find the peace that I have already found.
Wishing you all the best,
Your soon to be ex-wife.