An Open Letter to the Woman Who Seem to Despise Me So Much..

 

You were so mad at me that you wanted to ruin my life. You spewed angry words at me — words filled with such venomous rage.

If I were my early 2016 self I would have responded to you with even deadlier words and would have torn you apart. I may be small but I sure do know how to break a person’s ego. I did that to my husband, I cannot see why I can’t do the same to you.

But you see, I am no longer that person. I have taken a good look at myself in the mirror after that incident with you and saw how much of a horrible monster I turned out to be. I was broken and I need someone to blame. I was hurt and thus I also hurt other people. But you see, I have learned that I can never fix my brokenness with rage. I cannot also expect other people to fix the problems I got myself into. Only I can patch things up. Only love can make me whole again and with that I  made it my mission to become better — to be worthy of the love and respect that people may offer — to be clean and right before the Father’s eyes.

As much as I wanted to insult you, I can’t. And although I failed to handle the situation with class, I can still give myself credit for not disrespecting you in anyway.

You berated me and as much as I wanted to respond to you in the same manner, I chose not to. I cannot for now I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND YOU. You have all the right to despise me because after all the love and care you have shown me, I blamed you for the mess I got myself in to.

You hate me this much because at some point you also loved me this much. And I loved you too. You were like my older sister and I look up to you. You treated me like a family yet I seemed to have thrown it away in just a blink of an eye.

In my journey of fixing myself and finding inner peace, I actually learned that how we perceive people speaks more of who we really are. That is how I keep my cool and not lose my shit despite everything you just said to me. For one, all you said about me were not true. And I also begin to understand that you are not completely mad at me. You are simply mad at something you see in me that you may also have in you; or something that I have that you think I do not deserve. You see, we tend to see our reflections on people. Oftentimes we hate people because they show us things we refuse to see in ourselves. I hated my husband for not honoring his commitment, but I too, at several instances failed to keep my promises to him and to others. I hate waiting but I actually also make other people wait. I hated you before because I can see how cool you can be (and I will never be as cool as you) and my husband seems to enjoy your company more than mine. Also, there are times that we dislike them for having something which we wish we also have.

I have everything handed to me. I get what I want without having to lift a finger and maybe that is why you hate me so much. My husband left me but it never seemed like he did. He still gives me everything I want and he still makes little efforts to make me comfortable. Something, I believe, that you wish your husband will do the same for you. You work your ass off to live a comfortable life while I did not have to do anything and still get things my way.

You fear that when I succeed with all my plans I will get even — I will take revenge. But you see, it is just all in your head. I cannot blame you though. Perhaps because if you put yourself in my shoes, you will surely get back on the people who have hurt you. My old self will perhaps do the same. But I am not that person anymore. I realized that there are so many beautiful things in life that has to be enjoyed. Staying bitter and miserable is simply a waste of time. In fact, when I get to fulfill my dreams, I will make myself busy enjoying the fruits of my hard work and surely I will no longer have time to get back on people, who, I believed have hurt me. For what it’s worth, if I succeed, I have you all to thank for.

Who am I to judge, yet perhaps also one of the reasons you might want to look in to in order to know why you hate me is because you cannot seem to fathom how I can be so happy and at peace despite being left by the love of my life. While you, on the other hand, was the one who left your love and you strongly believe it was the right decision and yet maybe you cannot seem to find peace. How I manage to stand up after I fell is actually a complex process but it all boils down to letting God take control and forgiving myself for everything that I did which led to the break up. I can never unlove my husband and I learned to accept that. Perhaps the realization that love is not about possession is one of the reasons why I was able to just live my life. My faith in God that He is always in control helps me sleep soundly at night.

I have learned from my previous mistakes. I have learned to own up to everything I did wrong. And if there is anything that I need to admit, it is the fact that I trusted some people and I told them how I felt instead of telling you directly what was bothering me. I never really gave it a thought that they may misinterpret what I say and spin it into something different. I was so immature, selfish and stupid back then. With that, I AM REALLY SORRY.

I am sorry I am not miserable as you hoped I would be. You probably wish I am, thinking I deserve it after everything that you believe I did to you. I never bad mouth-ed you to anyone, or at least it was not my intention. I should have been smart enough to realize that people can give that a different meaning. I am sorry I judged you and I am sorry I broke your heart.

As someone I once loved, I wish you will find a way to heal the wounds I and other people have caused you. You deserve to be happier than you are now and I pray that you will be able to forgive yourself for the decisions you may feel you did wrong and give yourself a chance to start anew. You are a wonderful person and you deserve more peace and love just like everyone else.

Sincerely, I pray that God will bring you the additional loads of peace and comfort He has given you and me the past years.

Wishing you all the best.

 

 

 

 

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I Forgive You..

“Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.” -Matthew 18:21-22

Dear Husband,

There as so many things that I do not know about myself, but among the things that I do know is the fact that I often find it difficult to forgive people who have hurt me and caused me a lot of pain. When our paths crossed and I fell in love with you I thought I have already learned to forgive since I often forgive you when you happen to hurt me multiple of times. Sadly, it wasn’t what I thought it should be.

You see, when you forgive people you have to forgive them unconditionally. When you forgive, you just have to give it and let it go — not making count nor use it as ammo for the next big fight.

When you left and I decided to redirect my life into serving God, I came to know how to forgive. It was totally difficult at first. I must surrender my pride and humble myself in order to forgive myself from everything I committed which led to our separation. It took guts to examine who I really am and see the monster I have turned to be. It also took a lot of guts to forgive you and accept the fact that you just made a decision which you deem best for yourself and for both of us. It hurts at first but as I move on with life and get to know God more I came to understand why and I have learned to be thankful for it.

We were good until last Saturday when you allowed your “friend” to use your facebook account and talk to me in the meanest way one can ever imagine. She definitely threw a temper tantrum and started to spew venom everywhere — basically all of it was aimed to me. You see, I moved back to my hometown with hopes of changing my fate and getting a fresh start in life. I really thought you have already understood that. We were good until you and your friends decided to accuse me of something that I did not do. Have you forgotten, dear husband, that it is not only I who know all your schemes? In fact I am even amazed that other people know more things about you than I do. It seemed like I even married a man totally different from who you really are. The truth is, whatever you and your “friend” do with your lives — I don’t really care! So why did you decide to drag me into the mess that you are now in to?

My faith has thought me to be kind to everyone and that is what I am trying to do everyday. I am also learning to believe in the goodness of people and have faith in humanity. Hence, even if you left me which totally destroyed my trust in you, I tried to focus my attention to the goodness I have known that you possess and just relied on it. I do believe in my heart that the man I married is a good man. Yet, what happened made me wonder what things you reported to your friends were? Did you even share to them conversations that should be just between us? Do you really allow her to read your messages?! So is there really something going on with you and your cute friend since she has access to your account? I wish these questions will be answered but again, I’d rather not know to spare myself from the pain.

Dear husband, after going through the kind of pain that I went through I have known better. I have learned not to ask you questions I am not prepared to hear the answers. I have learned not to mind your business or ask people what you are up to so as to spare myself from possible pain. Husband dear, I am not as stupid as you thought I am. I may be crazy but I know how to love myself and to take care of myself. Ever since our separation all I ever cared about is to get back on my feet and take care of my mental well being. Allowing myself to still know your activities will only drive me crazy and it is something that I’d rather not turn to be.

Husband, have you ever known me to lie? Did I even believe that rumors when it reached me? Isn’t it that I came to you right after to confirm its truthfulness? I may question you from time to time but did I ever go to other people and confirm the validity of such issues when I do not even know the facts myself? How come I was the first person you thought would do such horrible thing to you? Do you realize how much will it cost me if you lose your job? Above all, do you have any idea how much it hurts?

But it was done. You allowed your righteous and know it all friend to meddle with our affairs. I may be hurting and I may be angry but I will still choose to do the right thing. Husband, I will tell you now that I FORGIVE YOU. I forgive you for being weak. I forgive you for not trusting me and I forgive you for allowing other people to talk to me that way.

I forgive you and I am letting this go. Not for you or for your friends but for my sake. This is how I am able to sleep soundly at night. I am hoping you will soon find the peace that I have already found.

 

Wishing you all the best,

Your soon to be ex-wife.